the light shone in the darkness

I’ve been asked quite often lately why, after everything, I chose Jesus over the goddesses I worshipped for a while. Not only is that a legitimate question, it’s also a good one, and I’m grateful to be asked it. The short answer is in that the light of Christ shone in the darkness.

Hecate wanted me to worship her, and I did. She wanted me to be her devoted follower, and I was. She was sometimes even good to me and gave me the power I craved, if I did exactly as I was told. I could be an excellent card reader, I could cast spells that worked, I could hurt people without their knowing anything about where it came from. I finally felt powerful. She was my patron goddess, my main one. It was rather selfish arragement for both of us. I didn’t care if what I did was good or evil, I was angry, and I wanted power. She was happy to give it all to me.

I had connected with her because of her darkness and power. I was hurt and I was out for revenge and power. Persephone looked alluring too, prancing around in the underworld with Hades like she was the shit, living the good life. I could have such power and allure over people too, if I did what Persephone asked of me. Both Hecate and Persephone were glad to let me essentially be their bitch.

They didn’t actually give a shit about me, but they were willing to give me just enough of what I wanted that I’d eventually want more because the unrestrained pursuit of power is insatiable. The goddesses were more than happy to keep throwing out gimmicks to keep me in the dark, playing with their dangerous, mesmerising, and evil toys until I was in so deep it was hard to get out. It wasn’t just Hecate and Persephone, either, they were all happy to play this game. The gods also. But I was trying to tap in to “feminine energy,” and “the divine feminine” and, quite frankly, I was angry with Jesus. So running off with the goddesses sounded like a great idea. Until it wasn’t anymore.

The thing about the goddesses is that they made dishonest bargains, because dishonesty doesn’t actually matter to them. It’s not a character flaw or a moral failing, it’s a means to an end, and that end is power. I wanted it so much I was willing to keep getting in deeper, and deeper, and the deeper I went, the more they asked for. It’s not been easy to leave and I’ve renounced them and their ways, but they will never forgive me for doing that. They not only make bad bargains, but they take revenge at any cost. Being in league with the dark, with these entities, has caused me so much pain and suffering. This was the end result. I pissed them off, and pissing off goddesses is not a good idea.

I was entirely responsible for my own actions and I’ve had to do some major work to renounce them. They’ve worked to make my life hell, and they still try. Jesus, however, not only made it easy for me to come back, but he also forgave everything. He even came for me, the one lost sheep that he could have just left to my own devices. He could have said that I’d chosen the goddesses and that therefore I’d made my bed and now I could lie in it, but he didn’t because that’s not who he is. Jesus sought me out, he showed me what I was missing and what I needed, and then just opened his arms and embraced me.

He forgave my denials of him like he forgave Peter, my betrayals of him like he was willing to give Judas, who found himself unable to humble himself and accept it. He simply forgave me for it all. Hecate and Persephone and all the others will never forgive me, but Jesus did. A long time ago, Jesus suffered a cruel and undeserved death to pay the price for things I personally have done and sadly continue to do. Jesus has given me second chances, third chances, and I’m sure I’ve used up at least 2,586 chances but I haven’t run out yet, because God is love and love never gives up.

Hecate and Persephone are goddesses of darkness, Jesus is the light of the world. In prophecies about the coming of the Christ Child, the ones we read about in Advent, we are told the people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who lived in a land of deep darkness – on them the light has shined. For a child has been born for us, a son given to us; authority rests upon his shoulders; and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:2,6). I don’t walk in the abode of the underworld anymore, because after dwelling in the dark, I was mesmerized by the light. The light shined into my darkness, it showed the hatred, pride, and desire for power over others in my heart.

Not only did the light shine, exposing things that the darkness keeps hidden, but Jesus doesn’t want revenge, Jesus loves me, he always has, and he always will. Thanks be to God.

Published by MaryClare StFrancis

MaryClare StFrancis is a writer who sounds as boring as hell but who is intimately acquainted with the horrific and the sacred. For a long time, darkness has been her friend, but she now walks in the light of Christ. As a committed Episcopalian, her main contribution to the church is her ability to make the priests facepalm or swear, depending on the day and context. MaryClare has a Master of Arts in English and Creative Writing and lives in Mississippi with her four children.

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